i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
