is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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