You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
