Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
