my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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