walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
