It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
