Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
