I wish I could teleport
We got so high we made milksteak
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
