Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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