before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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