u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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