:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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