hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
