If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This baby is an asshole
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
