i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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