My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
