One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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