I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
