Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
