i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
