Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
