I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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