Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
