Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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