You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
