I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
