i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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