he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
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Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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