Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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