I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize