i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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