apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
