you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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