Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
