Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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