Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
