okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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