I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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