We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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