he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
