grandma shit on top of the toilet
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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