If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Say something about gay babies.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
