this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
