i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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