That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
