I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
