If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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