Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
