Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
