We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
