i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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