kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
