I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
