just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
