apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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