i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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