you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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